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How do you handle people who don't "get it" about cars...

Started by Cape Cod Fleetwood, May 17, 2019, 12:26:02 AM

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Cape Cod Fleetwood

Only for this forum and not Facebook since a long time good friend is about to become an ex-friend.

Purely platonic relationship, he used to live up the street from me. He's a veteran too, we had a lot of good times,
great conversations, and he is/about-to-be-was an emergency phone contact in the event of my death.

He ended up in the hospital a few days ago, I was video talking to him on Duo in the ER as he was lying in bed
laced on pain medication. He asked about the car, I mentioned a few items, and he just lost it.

what a stupid thing to do... all it does is cost you money and aggravation... its an inanimate object... its a machine
and you worship it... its so stupid... etc etc etc

Told him "you're laced on pain meds and worried about your health condition, so I'm going to let you slide for being so far out of your lane".

On and on he went about how 'retarded' and 'senseless' my devotion to The Ark is.

Tried to explain The Ark fills a tremendous void in my life. Its a connection to my father, to my childhood when things were so much simpler. Its what I do when I'm not working, on the phone making work calls, thinking about working, talking to clients, suppliers or employees. Its what I do when I'm not doing something to/on my house. Its my family since I don't have any. Its loyal to me, even when it has issues, its always right where I left it and happy to see me when I reappear. Its brought me untold joy and heartache, its taught me, most importantly its brought into my life extraordinary new friends and new experiences. It makes me happy even when things go into the $hitter. Yes its a financial drain, but since I don't have kids or a husband to drain my finances, I'm OK with it.

He lost his mind. "You're in love with a car, that's sick. You need to get out more, get new friends, get a LIFE".

I 'am' in love with my car, Queen even wrote a song about it.

Told him I don't expect him to understand, he's not a car guy. He doesn't know what engine is in his car, type of oil, etc.
'cars are just transportation, they're not a way of life'.

And its been escalating from there. Tried to be polite and tell him people who have experience with cars, who have an interest in cars, an affection for certain cars think differently.

I handled stress well when I was younger, had a lot of high stress jobs. Then came the military and wars and my ability to handle stress has changed. If something is worth the stress in my mind, I'll allocate space for it. If something becomes stressful and has no tangible upside to it, its eliminated. This friend is on the verge of elimination.

Where am I wrong, what am I doing wrong, is it me at all?

Be gentle, I'm female and fragile after all.  ::)

[EDIT] Greg's reply below reminds me to add this - he's home now, on medication but seemingly back to his normal life.
But his attitude continues....

\m/
Laurie

There are 2 kinds of cars in the world, Cadillac and everything else....

The Present -1970 Fleetwood Brougham

The Past -
1996 Deville Concours
1987 Sedan De Ville "Commonwealth Edition"
1981 Coupe De Ville (8-6-4)
1976 Sedan De Ville
1975 Sedan De Ville

The Daily Driver and work slave -
2008 GMC Acadia SLT *options/all

"Cadillac Kid" Greg Surfas 15364

Laurie
Should be obvious. The guy is probably scared s...tress. When we think we are on deaths door fear can surface as anger. Let it go. I have a friend that once tried to tell me all about the wonders of the game of chess.
Greg Surfas
Cadillac Kid-Greg Surfas
Director Modified Chapter CLC
CLC #15364
66 Coupe deVille (now gone to the UK)
72 Eldo Cpe  (now cruising the sands in Quatar)
73 Coupe deVille
75 Coupe deElegance
76 Coupe deVille
79 Coupe de ville with "Paris" (pick up) option and 472 motor
514 inch motor now in '73-

Cape Cod Fleetwood

Quote from: "Cadillac Kid"  Greg Surfas 15364 on May 17, 2019, 01:01:16 AM
Laurie
Should be obvious. The guy is probably scared s...tress. When we think we are on deaths door fear can surface as anger. Let it go. I have a friend that once tried to tell me all about the wonders of the game of chess.
Greg Surfas

Hi Greg,
I guess I should have added in my post he's home now, he's "fine", on medication for the issue.
And the attitude towards me continues...

\m/
Laurie
There are 2 kinds of cars in the world, Cadillac and everything else....

The Present -1970 Fleetwood Brougham

The Past -
1996 Deville Concours
1987 Sedan De Ville "Commonwealth Edition"
1981 Coupe De Ville (8-6-4)
1976 Sedan De Ville
1975 Sedan De Ville

The Daily Driver and work slave -
2008 GMC Acadia SLT *options/all

Art Director

I love my old Cadillac. My grandmother bought it brand new when I was entering kindergarten. Several good memories in my lifetime were made with this car, including driving it to my senior prom.

Yes, I was probably nuts to spend $53,000 to bring it back to life after a disastrous engine fire in 2008, with only $13,000 help from the insurance company. If I had just taken the insurance check and let that car go, I would have felt extremely guilty the rest of my life, letting my grandmother down and not have had a legacy to leave to my sons and grandson. She said, "Don't ever sell the car. Keep it in the family as long as you can."

Laurie, I get it.
Tim Coy
CLC Southwestern Regions Vice President
Interim Western Regions Vice President
Art Director, The Self-Starter, International Membership Directory
Life member, Rocky Mountain Region
CLCMRC Benefactor #102

1963 Six-Window Sedan de Ville
1972 Fleetwood Brougham - RIP
1988 Sedan de Ville - RIP
2001 Eldorado ESC - RIP
2003 DeVille DTS - sold

Cape Cod Fleetwood

Quote from: Art Director on May 17, 2019, 01:14:04 AM
I love my old Cadillac. My grandmother bought it brand new when I was entering kindergarten. Several good memories in my lifetime were made with this car, including driving it to my senior prom.

Yes, I was probably nuts to spend $53,000 to bring it back to life after a disastrous engine fire in 2008, with only $13,000 help from the insurance company. If I had just taken the insurance check and let that car go, I would have felt extremely guilty the rest of my life, letting my grandmother down and not have had a legacy to leave to my sons and grandson. She said, "Don't ever sell the car. Keep it in the family as long as you can."

Laurie, I get it.

Thanks Tim. And you weren't nuts either. You were doing the right thing. I think your grandmother would have done the same if the situation was reversed.

\m/
Laurie
There are 2 kinds of cars in the world, Cadillac and everything else....

The Present -1970 Fleetwood Brougham

The Past -
1996 Deville Concours
1987 Sedan De Ville "Commonwealth Edition"
1981 Coupe De Ville (8-6-4)
1976 Sedan De Ville
1975 Sedan De Ville

The Daily Driver and work slave -
2008 GMC Acadia SLT *options/all

"Cadillac Kid" Greg Surfas 15364

Laurie
I’ve got a very good friend that we look forward to being around.  He is constantly saying I will never get my money out of my hot rod or my Paris, and why do I keep spending money on them.  I can’t explain the source of his angst but I look way past his views on that issue and the friendship is solid.
He by the way built a 2000 square foot home workshop with about a gadzillion dollars worth of equipment.
To each their own.
Greg Surfas

By the way wat are you all doing up so late? It’s just sundown here on kauai
Cadillac Kid-Greg Surfas
Director Modified Chapter CLC
CLC #15364
66 Coupe deVille (now gone to the UK)
72 Eldo Cpe  (now cruising the sands in Quatar)
73 Coupe deVille
75 Coupe deElegance
76 Coupe deVille
79 Coupe de ville with "Paris" (pick up) option and 472 motor
514 inch motor now in '73-

Mike Josephic CLC #3877

#6
Hi Laurie:

I know people like this that are not "car people".  They
don't understand why we do what we do and why we
are in love with our machines.  They don't realize that
to us they are "time machines" that take us back to
another era, to when we were young, different times
and enjoying life -- sometimes an attachment to a dear
friend or family member.

They also don't realize the immense satisfaction we get
from working on them, improving them and yes, even
spending sometimes large amounts of $$ to restore and
keep them running.

I remember the first time I drove with my Dad in his
'53 Pontiac sedan.  I was just 14 (not legal) but we
were picking up my Sunday papers for my paper route
and Sunday's were quite heavy.  So he helped me out. 
Every Sunday at 6:00AM he would let me drive the 2
miles to the paper store (no traffic) and I LOVED IT. 
I was hooked. 

So - our hobby is a mix of memories, love of beautiful
things that YOU CAN DRIVE and perhaps a time machine
to the past. Much better (in my mind) than collecting
expensive paintings, for example.  But then, I'm a car
guy.

Many people just do not "get it" and I'm sorry that
your friend Chris appears to be one.  Maybe a good
start would be to invite him to a car show.  If that
doesn't work it's his loss.

Mike
1955 Cadillac Eldorado
1973 Cadillac Eldorado
1995 Cadillac Seville
2004 Escalade
1997 GMC Suburban 4X4, 454 engine, 3/4 ton
custom built by Santa Fe in Evansville, IN
2011 Buick Lucerne CX
-------------------------------------
CLCMRC Museum Benefactor #38
Past: VP International Affiliates, Museum Board Director, President / Director Pittsburgh Region

Lexi

While I suspect that you are indeed "preaching to the choir", I totally get your point of view and agree with the reasons you gave for owning your car. We only go through this life once and as long as there is financial and family (if present) stability at home, why not spend discretionary income on a car if that is of a healthy interest to you? Some people buy a cottage, others a boat, while many prefer to travel. For some reason the "car thing" does bring the worst out in some people-who usually prove to be those who know the least about the subject. I suspect that in the majority of these cases it is none of their business how you spend your money or what you do in your spare time. I have varied interests, most of which the average person would probably not understand either. They don't pay the bills so it is not a factor with me.

As much as we would love to have people see our point of view it is really not our responsibility to "convert" individuals like your friend. Indeed, he is probably beyond the point of redemption so to speak. So we accept our friends despite their short comings, for who they are and build on the common ground that we share. If that can no longer be done, then the friendship would certainly appear to have changed or be over.

There is not nearly enough information on your friend to judge him, nor arguably yourself as well. Are these his true feelings OR have they been unduly influenced by his illness and/or medication? Debating the pros and cons of classic car ownership is not that important in the greater scheme of things. On the surface the most important thing is to support him during this crisis. So far, looks like that is what you have been doing, though you are now considering ending the friendship over this (and perhaps other?) differences. Only you know whether there may be some kernels of truth in some of his comments, so perhaps some introspection is necessary. Replacing people and meaningful social relationships with that of your car may be detrimental to your social and psychological well being, if extreme. Don't know you well enough to say if that is true, but that seems to be one of his complaints. 

Based on what you wrote I would be inclined not to discuss the subject with him, as that added stress would only further compromise his health and perhaps yours as well. Perhaps you are "wired" in such a way that severing ties with him makes sense as a result of how you handle stress. Only you can answer that. I have seen people close to death who suddenly displayed totally different opinions about topics like spirituality and materialism, for example. Don't know if your friend falls into this extreme group, but if he really is a friend I think your job right now is to roll with punches so to speak. That is the short answer. If you are vexed by this form of stress that may otherwise be handled differently by others, that may change one's point of view. Again, only you can answer that. Clay/Lexi  \mm/

The Tassie Devil(le)

Some people just don't like spending money on old stuff.   Just want to buy new stuff, whether it be cars, shoes or white goods.

If everyone liked what everyone else liked, then the world would be a crappy place.

Each to his or her own, and if someone doesn't like what you are doing, then time to understand their rights, and move on.

To be frank, there are even Members of our organisation that would question the sanity of a person spending money on a '70's car, but would not question spending heaps on a '40's car.

Bruce. >:D
'72 Eldorado Convertible (LHD)
'70 Ranchero Squire (RHD)
'74 Chris Craft Gull Wing (SH)
'02 VX Series II Holden Commodore SS Sedan
(Past President Modified Chapter)

Past Cars of significance - to me
1935 Ford 3 Window Coupe
1936 Ford 5 Window Coupe
1937 Chevrolet Sports Coupe
1955 Chevrolet Convertible
1959 Ford Fairlane Ranch Wagon
1960 Cadillac CDV
1972 Cadillac Eldorado Coupe

Glen

Quote from: The Tassie Devil(le) on May 17, 2019, 02:01:56 AM

To be frank, there are even Members of our organisation that would question the sanity of a person spending money on a '70's car, but would not question spending heaps on a '40's car.

Even on this forum there are those that actively discourage people from buying a car that they will never get their money out of.  I agree with warning them TV is not like real life and they won’t make money on restoring a car.  But to tell people to not buy a car that could be saved…….

Laurie, sorry you are having this problem, try to avoid the subject of your car.   If that doesn’t work keep your distance for a while.  Sometimes people in his position drive those they care about away, so the loss won’t be so painful.  It never works though. 
Glen Houlton CLC #727 
CLCMRC benefactor #104

tom@lempicke.com

Laurie

There is only one thing that you have.  It is time!  All the rest is just "stuff".

Enjoy the time left to you.  If you are in angst over this person put the relationship down for a bit.  If you can come back to it and see that you will still be able to enjoy it then pick it back up otherwise go and enjoy those things that make YOUR life good for you.


jaxops

Of course most of us feel as you do about our cars and the family histories that they bring back to us.  It is very hard to find people who like the things we do as was discussed earlier.  How many folks find historic naval flags interesting?  Admiral Tirpitz's shoulder board??!  Why would you want that?  My wife tolerates this passion but doesn't always understand it.

  I agree that your friend was seeing life as the fleeting thing it is (Tempus fugit, memento Mori").   Enjoy your friends as the friends that they are.  So cars aren't a topic to bring up with that friend.  Be glad, be happy. Don't worry about it!
1970 Buick Electra Convertible
1956 Cadillac Series 75 Limousine
1949 Cadillac Series 75 Imperial Limousine
1979 Lincoln Continental
AACA, Cadillac-LaSalle Club #24591, ASWOA

Eric DeVirgilis CLC# 8621

#12
If I may add my 2 cents, the friend's objections have nothing to due with the economics involved; it's due to the fact that he regards an automobile as a utilitarian device and nothing more- a "necessary evil" to put it bluntly. The same expenditure, time & effort on another pastime may well be met with approval.

What we have here is someone who not only has an extremely poor understanding of the different ways various individuals enjoy life, but is also unable to accept those which do not coincide with his own.

If the hostility continues to be a problem, a decision will have to be made.

A Cadillac Motorcar is a Possession for which there is no Acceptable Substitute

wrefakis

why do I drive an old town car and have a fleet of brand new mint Cadilacs that I preserve?
because I like them period!
like when I posted on facebook photos of a car and noted the top had never been down
caught all the bs, crazy to own a convert and never put the top down, it was down you are wrong

that's why I do not do shows

bottom line its your car you paid for it and tell anyone that has what to say ?

Jeff Rosansky CLC #28373

#14
I learned this early on when I got my pilot's license and plane. I would try to drop it onto a conversation so that I could talk about it. While I will never admit that my wife was right, I will admit that she noticed that not everyone is interested in airplanes. Then, years later, the same with the car.  Now to "feed" my airplane and car addiction I drive a 10 year old Honda and skimp on other things-I have my priorities after all.
I spend less on the plane and cars, in general, than the typical golfer let alone a boat owner. But that doesn't matter because many just see it as an extravagance. Never mind that they themselves have a Mercedes, the new iPhone, a TV as wide as the DeVille, etc. And, for some reason, spending money on golf or a boat is socially acceptable.

Many people just don't get it. But I don't get model trains or collecting shot glasses. I do get that it is important to be passionate about something.
I am sure things will work out with your friend. Just don't bring it up for a while. He will get his head right once he gets his witts a out home again.

Jeff
Jeff Rosansky
CLC #28373
1970 Coupe DeVille (Big Red)
1955 Series 62 (Baby Blue)
Dad's new 1979 Coupe DeVille

signart

I'm a lot like him in a way. Only I don't get how you can handle being obsessed over just one classic car at a time. :o  I'd really feel for you if you fell into a sorry state I find myself in with twenty some odd projects and parts vehicles in various stages of completion, with only 4 considered road ready.
Don't get me started on the motorcycles in waiting, and those on the wanted dead or alive list. Pitiful, I tell ya!
Consider yourself lucky! You are happy with what you have, stay that way. 
Art D. Woody

hornetball

Not much to add to all the wise words above.  I'll just say that my Dad wasn't a car guy either and used to give me lots of "advice" in this regard that I happily ignored.  But he was still my Dad and I still miss him . . . .

"Cadillac Kid" Greg Surfas 15364

Jeff’s post got me thinking. When I first started flying that was all I thought about. I read everything that I could get my hands on, flee everything that was not nailed down, and spent every spare moment an not so spare dollar flying and hanging around at the airport.
I always had a new(Ed) car but cars took a back seat to flying. UNTIL the day I needed a hood reef for my (then)6 year old Eldorado. The thought went through my head “do I want this hundred dollar part or do I want to fly for an hour”?  The change was like a switch being flipped and cars took the front seat. Been that way for a long time now but I wouldn’t get upset if something else eventually flips the switch again.
Greg Surfas
Cadillac Kid-Greg Surfas
Director Modified Chapter CLC
CLC #15364
66 Coupe deVille (now gone to the UK)
72 Eldo Cpe  (now cruising the sands in Quatar)
73 Coupe deVille
75 Coupe deElegance
76 Coupe deVille
79 Coupe de ville with "Paris" (pick up) option and 472 motor
514 inch motor now in '73-

bcroe

I just keep in mind, to most of the civilized world, a car is just
an essential appliance.  I do not argue about it, its just a fact. 
Even among the owners of ancient cars, the background reasons
vary over a huge range, again no argument.  At least cars are
useful, more than so many collections (ancient electronics (do
not look in my basement), baseball cards).  I do stress safety,
and I have no problem improving on an old design to make it
perform even better than new.  Bruce Roe

Scot Minesinger

Laurie,

Everyone has their thing.  The idea that he is way down on your Cadillac to the point of being mean, just confirms that he is not a friend or a nice person.  Friends of mine collect other things or spend money on things I would not, but I do not point out why they are so wrong.  I just accept them.
Fairfax Station, VA  22039 (Washington DC Sub)
1970 Cadillac DeVille Convertible
1970 Cadillac Sedan DeVille
1970 four door Convertible w/Cadillac Warranty